Dr Nihara Krause, Consultant Clinical Psychologist 

 

Kindness is mankind’s “greatest delight,” said Roman philosopher-emperor Marcus Aurelius and yet, it would seem we have somehow moved away from this basic human action towards others. In a society which has become increasingly competitive and self-driven, kindness, which requires a willingness to engage in someone else’s well-being and success,  has come to be seen as weak. 

Caroline Flack, a British presenter who recently took her own life, in one of her last messages to the world asked people to be kind. A message generated no doubt from, what’s reported, being on the receiving end of unkind messages and focus, specifically through social media.  

Indirect communication lends itself to providing an opportunity to be unkind – it’s harder to engage and to be empathetic when someone is not in front of you. Road rage is a good example, where in the ‘safety’ of a vehicle you can mouth all sorts of profanities that you would never say directly to a person, however much they rile you. Social media provides a similar vehicle – in the safety of being with your phone or computer, it’s easy to be unkind. 

In a study by the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research (Konrath, S 2010) students were noted to demonstrate 40% less empathy than their counterparts of 20 or 30 years ago as measured by standard personality tests. Even more alarmingly, in a Harvard University Graduate School of Education survey (2014) of 10,000 students  80% of students saw achievement or happiness as their top priority with only 20% saying that caring for others was what they prioritised. Interestingly, although 96% of the parents of the students in this study said they thought that the ‘moral character’ of their children was ‘very important’ 81% of students stated that achievement and happiness were also their parents’ priority. 

So, how do we start to change the emphasis and meaning of competitive achievement? To educate that ‘getting ahead’ through all the various multiple means –  grades, achievements, likes, popularity, fame to name a few – doesn’t have to compromise on kindness. Good old-fashioned consideration, courtesy, empathy and taking time to care will not only make you a nicer human being but will also help anyone to get ahead of the game if that’s their focus rather than get in the way of such success or indeed happiness. Learning about compassion takes far more than a lesson or a talk in a school. It needs to be modelled and embedded into the ethos of our society and we can do this by starting with some basic steps:

  1. Kindness begins at home so start by being kind and learning to listen, share and be together
  2. Focus not only on academic achievement but also on all of the other factors that contribute a learning about who you are
  3. Focus on the perils of perfectionism and encouraging the opportunity to learn both self-acceptance and other acceptance
  4.  As parents, carers and teachers, focus on teaching the skills of empathy – putting yourself in someone else’s shoes isn’t always easy but can be developed
  5. Share your experiences in person and scale back on-screen time. Don’t keep family time just for Christmas!
  6. If you post online, post positive and kind messages regularly remembering that gossip can be hurtful. 
  7. Always highlight and celebrate acts of kindness

If you or someone you know has been affected by being on the receiving end of unkind words or actions please talk to a responsible adult, Childline (0800 1111) Samaritans (116 123) 

 

References:

Konrath, S, O’Brien, E.H, Hsing, C (2010) Changes in Dispositional Empathy in American College Students over Time: A meta-analysis, Personality and Social Psychology Review, Sage Journals

Harvard Graduate School of Education (2014) ‘ The Children we Mean to Raise: The real message adults are sending about their values’ Making Caring Common Project, 2014