By Dr. Nihara Krause, Consultant Clinical Psychologist
Why are people unkind online?
People act differently online to how they are face to face. The repercussions are often less clear and it can be more difficult to judge tone and intention. So, it’s more common for online behaviour to be less kind.
Some of the different reasons for this lack of kindness:
- People feel ‘invisible’ online and so behave in ways they never would if they were identifiable.
- People feel less responsible for what they say online because they are more distanced and anonymous from the person they are saying it to.
- When talking to someone face to face, most people adapt what they say based on the other person’s reaction. However, written word can’t be tailored to suit the person you are speaking to.
- People don’t see normal social rules as applying online so they, incorrectly, feel ‘safe’ in using language and words they feel they can get away with without social repercussions or punishment.
- It’s harder to acknowledge and respect individual characteristics online, so people are treated in a more generalist way.
- Some people tend to treat online communication as a game they can play to gain attention or to be powerful, in a way that’s not socially acceptable in real life.
All these factors contribute to online communication being much harder than you think to negotiate. It feels easy to engage in, but the impact can be devastating.
So, learn to be kind online
- If you are feeling strong emotions, avoid communicating online. It’s an easy ‘punchbag’ to ‘dump’ your emotions on. Instead do something to cool down these strong emotions.
- Remember you are visible online. Stick photos of yourself near your computer or on your phone so that you can remind yourself of who you are and your values.
- Think of the similarities you have with the person you are a communicating with. Make them a real-life person with real-life feelings.
- Plan what you want to say. Does it have to be said online? Things that have an impact are much better said face to face.
- How much does what you want to say matter to you now? Will it matter in the same way in a week or months’ time? If not, don’t say it.
- Think of the consequences of what you are planning to say. Might it cause upset to the person you’re speaking to? Might it get you into trouble? If yes, don’t say it.
- Write what you want to say but don’t send it. Re-read it an hour later—do you still want to send the message if the consequences are negative? Delay again and re-read after a few hours. See if you can resist sending it.
- Pick up a phone, arrange to meet in person, and say it face to face. Don’t say it online if you can’t say it directly to the person.
So, what can kind communication online and on social media look like?
Examples of kind communications online:
- Use sentence or lowercase instead of uppercase, especially if the uppercase letters make it seem like you’re shouting at the person on the receiving end.
- Post something kind, funny, uplifting, and complimentary instead of something unkind.
- Change an unkind word into a kind one.
- Joining in with others’ hurtful comments? Think about the discussion you are entering. Is the communication based on fact or opinion? If it’s opinion, make a conscious decision on whether you want to support the opinionated person or not. It’s better to exit this kind of conversation than enter it.
- If you feel you are joining in on a fact-based discussion, fact check them. Are they relevant? Are they correct? Are they objective and balanced? Or are they biased and do they represent the views of the person who is presenting them? Exit biased discussions, you will be representing a one-sided view.
With so many points of view so easily accessible to us, it’s easy to get angry or upset when you come across something you don’t agree with or something that upsets you. While you may want to respond in the heat of the moment, there are ways to express your anger or upset without being unkind or making things worse.
Tips to express anger in a helpful way:
- If you feel wronged, hurt, or criticised, you may feel angry and retaliate. However, acting on your desire to seek revenge is not as satisfying as you may think and may cause more pain and upset.
- Deal with your anger by recognising the physical signs in your body. For example, are your fists clenched or is your jaw tight? Take steps to reduce the tension you feel by going for a walk or run, or watching something relaxing or funny.
- Write down what you feel and what you want to do or say, but don’t send it.
- Take out your anger in a constructive way. Exercise, dig out some weeds, clean your room, write down what you want to say and rip it up, or sing loudly to an angry song.
- Be better than the person who has hurt or wronged you. Do something that makes you feel better about yourself.
- Don’t act straight away. Let time pass so that you can act in the best way for yourself. Acting in anger rarely, if ever, works long term.
- Set up a face-to-face meeting with the person and talk to them.
- Forgiving and forgetting is not easy. Learn from what’s happened, accept it, and move on with your life.
Express difficult and intense emotions with the Calm Harm app
The free Calm Harm app helps you manage intense and difficult feelings, like the urge to self-harm, and helps you ride the wave.
The Calm Harm app provides some immediate activities and techniques to help you break the cycle of self-harm behaviour and explore underlying trigger factors; the app supports you in building a ‘safety net’ of helpful thoughts, behaviours, and access to supportive people, as well as providing the opportunity to journal and self-reflect. The Calm Harm app also signposts to help.
The app is private, anonymous, and safe.
For more tips and support for online wellbeing, check out stem4’s other blog posts on digital wellbeing.
